Challenging Conversation

Following a seminar I gave yesterday in which I championed the power of candor in workplace relationships, a senior middle manager gingerly broached a subject that was obviously very sensitive for him.

“How,” he wondered, “can you approach a peer about a matter that you really need to discuss candidly that might put him on the defensive and maybe make the situation worse?”

Wonderful question. Get it every once in a while, but less frequently than what I think is on managers’ minds.

Concede your role in the situation.

You most certainly can hold a constructive, relationship building — not destroying — conversation around sensitive issues. (I will post, next week when I’m back in the office, a fill-in-the-blank outline you can use for planning your challenging conversations.)

Three key elements:

1. Establish a mutual basis for the conversation. E.g., I want us / our departments to work well together. Like you, I want to hit our targets. Your success here is important to me as I know it is very important to you.
2. Concede your role in the situation. E.g., I know that my group is contributing to this situation by… I realize that I should have raised this issue months ago…
3. Ask your colleague for his or her input and suggestions for action. E.g., I’d really like to hear your ideas about how we can make things work better going forward. What do you think we can do to improve this situation?
4. Obtain a commitment for action and confirm it in a brief note of thanks for the conversation.

Challenging conversations go much easier when there is no implied finger-pointing at the other person. Keep a tone of mutuality, fairness and cooperation, and you can tackle very sensitive issues with aplomb.

The keys: preparation and not waiting too long before a situation devolves into one that’s nearly not salvageable.